Changes

It's been nearly six months since I've made any attempts to contact the one I thought was the love of my life. Last night I dreamed of her. Even with all the changes I've made in my life - moving to a different place, seeing someone about the way I was feeling, and trying to change some other things in my life - the thoughts of her still linger. I knew I missed her still, but up until this morning, I didn't quite realize how much I actually did.

Regardless, I've made my bed and I'll lie in it. It's kinda funny to be told that I should be happy for her if she's happy (assuming she's happier how she's living now without me since she doesn't bother contacting me anymore), "because if [I] truly loved her, her happiness should matter to me." I guess it is somewhat true, I do want her to be happy. Only thing, is that I wanted her to be happy with me. Which brings up another funny point - if I should be happy for her, being happy without me and thus showing I truly loved her, wouldn't that also prove that she didn't love me since I'm unhappy without her? Does anyone really think about these things when they come up with this stuff?

Anyway, just venting/ranting/whatever. I've gone this long without bothering her, and I will continue to do so. I still miss her, but she's probably happier without needing to be reminded of me.

'Till next time...

T minus 20 lbs

That is all.

Why?

Life stinks.

Why do we go on living? Some people have goals, feel they have something they want to accomplish in life, and spend their lives trying to do whatever the fuck they feel the have to get done before they die. Their lives are an endless mad rush to get something done, before the eventual "game over."

I do not consider myself in the same group as those types of people.

So I ask myself, why do I go on living. I've never really had a drive to live, or a real goal I feel the need to strive for. It's quite annoying and disheartening at the same time. So without a real goal, or purpose or whatever, life is just a seemingly endless bunch of experiences accumulated before death. No mad rush. No finish line to reach before "game over."

Unfortunately, I have felt this way for a long time. I haven't killed myself because... well the only reason I can think of is that the thought of hurting myself just gives me the willies. I've been a stranger in my own home for a while, though I must admit things have been different in the past 6 months. I have no love life to speak of, though I used to. My friends can go on living without me. In the blink of an eye, I could be gone, and life (for others, at least) would go on. So why do I go on living?

There's this girl. Yeah, I know, you must be thinking HEY, THERE'S PLENTY OF FISH OUT THERE, and so on. And some of you may think it's pathetic to feel this way because of a girl. If you find yourself thinking either way, then you're an idiot and need to reread everything I typed above. Go on, I'll give you a minute. Back? OK. I've felt this way most of my life (yeah, I know I said that already, but some of you are slow). This girl came into my life, and changed that. At least temporarily. I actually had a goal in life for a while. I found that my reason to go on living, my purpose in life, was to make her happy. There was a feeling I can't say I ever felt in my life before meeting her... and I felt it every time I saw her smile.

Now just like every other thing on this miserable planet, I wasn't very good at that. I mean, I guess at times I was really good at it, and then other times I was excellent in doing quite the opposite, and turning her beautiful smile into a painful frown. I wish I could take charge and say I meant to do that, but I can't. But that doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter that I made her sad by just wanting some time to myself to get over something she did. All that matters is that I did what I did, and there's no convincing anybody that I'm not the worst scum of the earth.

So now, where am I? I'm stuck trying to deal with how she chooses to treat me because she's still resentful towards me no matter what I try to do to make things up to her. You're probably saying HEY, SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, DEAL WITH IT AND GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE! Sigh, I wish smarter people read my shit. I find it hard to understand completely, so I won't even bother trying to explain it to you. Just give me a little credit, and trust that at least I believe I still have a reason to try and win her heart back.

I guess in a way I still have a goal, though it's changed. It drives me to get shit I need done before an unknown deadline (though instead of death, my deadline is the unknown date where she'll give up on my ass completely). Shit I have to get done? Pay some shit off (I haven't exactly been smart about everything all my life, deal with it), learn some patience (which is taking too damn long), and learn my lesson on not making my beautiful girl cry anymore, no matter what.

Anyway, it's a fucking painful process. But I guess I have to do it to get what I want. I hope I get what I want before I go insane. Or more insaner.

OK, it's been a long time...

... I shouldn't have left you, without some dope words to step to... step to, step to, step to...

...but seriously, a LOT has happened in the last almost 2 years. An emotional rollercoaster of sorts, and lots of life changes for the worst, and maybe for the best. The biggest thing, was the end of my relationship with Melissa (life change for the worst), but hopefully rekindling that same love with crucial changes in the way we interact with each other (life change for the best).

More to come!

Life is unfunny sometimes...

I have the unsettling feeling that I'm going to live a lonely life, all by myself.

Separation

Does it work?

I've cut off (mostly) all contact with Melissa for 2 weeks. Simple enough, no?

But I guess it's not that simple. It's not exactly working as planned - I still can't stop thinking of her, and I'm still damn lonely. It's not better. And yet, not exactly worse...

The best way I can think to put it, is like this:

Imagine you're a kid. Imagine you are the spoiled brat child of a multi billionaire. There are millions of toys at your disposal. Toys EVERYWHERE. If you wanted, you could play with any toy that came within your reach.
Now there's this one toy, you have your mind and heart set on. You choose that one toy above all other toys. There's a catch though - It's May, and you have to wait until approximately sometime between Christmas time and the New year. Not only that, but to have that toy, you must give up playing with all other toys... But you don't care, you want that toy and you feel it is so worth it, you can wait. Other toys? What other toys? To you, there only exists that one toy.
At first, you start off well enough... You see the other kids playing with their toys. You even see some kids being greedy, playing 2 and 3 toys at a time! But you don't care. You're content knowing that one day, some day soon, you will have your one special toy, and you'll be happy.
And then it gets better. The powers that be, decided you were a good kid - they unwrap the toy, and put it in a glass case that no one can get to. So now, not only do you know you're going to get your present soon; you can look at it all you want, and know that it will be there when the time comes for you to have it.
Just when you thought things couldn't get any better, they do. One day, the powers that be remove the glass case, and hand you the toy... It's not Christmas time yet, so you know the toy is not quite yours... But the powers that be let you play with it for one day. That day, is the best day of your life.

And then, that day goes by quickly, and they take the toy away again, and put it in the glass case. But you're ecstatic. The toy was more than you could've ever expected... You knew for sure now, that this toy was definitely worth every single day of waiting.
Time goes by... You're still alright, waiting for the day you can get your toy and be happy with it. You know for a fact, that the day you finally get that toy, you will play with it better than any other kid has played with their toys - you will prove yourself worthy of having such a toy, and it will be your only toy, forever.

And so life continues... The powers that be let you play with your toy every once in a while. But you notice something. Each time, your toy is snatched up from you a lot sooner than it was the last time. You start to feel disillusioned with your toy... The days start getting longer, and you long for your toy more and more. It's starting to get to you, seeing all the other toys around you, feeling like the only one without a toy. The glass case is still there, but you don't look at it as often any more. You don't want to. It hurts to look at your toy now... You detest the glass case, and yet there's nothing you can do about it. And it's still only September.

What do you do? Do you give up on waiting for the toy, and find another one to play with? What I've done is put the gift wrap back the toy, over the glass case. I can't see it anymore, but I still know it's there. I still want it just as bad. I still want it to be my only toy.

If only it were as simple as kids and toys...

Like I said... I asked her for some space. I asked her for 2 weeks. I don't think I'll make it. I know she's hurting. It hurt so much to hear her cry that night. It always does. And yet somehow I find it in me to push her away... At least if I push her away, she's far from be because I put her there. I guess in a way I am doing something about it. She doesn't deserve it, and yet she takes it. What does she see in me? What has she been able to see, that every one else doesn't? What could she think I have, that she withstands the pain I give her? I wish I had the strength to break up with her, sometimes. Sometimes I feel selfish for not doing it... How can I say that I love her, and yet let her stay and take my bullshit?

Life, Love, and Relationships. When does the good start to outweigh the bad?

Friggin eh, this is a crapload longer than I thought it would be. If there was such a job, I think I could be a Professional Whiner...

It's another one...

I miss my baby. I just saw her on friday... for less than about an hour and a half... and this is for the first time since october 2nd of '05. It sucks.

... Ok, it was awesome to see my baby... I would've taken 5 minutes if that was all that was available. I guess I was lucky that I was able to spend even that much time with Melissa. But it still sucks.

Boring. I need to get a life. I am officially making myself a promise to ride my motorcycle more often. Work and school don't count as riding anymore. Maybe going more places, taking longer rides, might give me more occasion to use my camera as well. I guess the beach is as good a place as any to start off.

Life is the same as usual, except I'm not as gloomy for some reason. But that's a good thing.

Scratch that. It's an O K thing... I can't think of anything to write anymore. Gloom, sadness, and anger, if mixed in the right doses, blended together with a cup of ice on medium frappe for exactly 15 seconds, and served in a purdy cup (whip cream optional), are, all together, my muse of sorts. The one story I put together during one of my "happy" moods ended up being garbage. My baby loved it, but then again it was a "happy" story about me and her. It was boring, and it sucked.

That's depressing enough.

On second thought, looks like things might just be starting to look up for my writing.

Hasta la bye bye.